I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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