i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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