I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
