he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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