if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
