I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
