Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
