Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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