@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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