My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
