I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
