he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
