Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
