I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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