I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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