i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
