last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
