I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He had one of those small greek statue penises
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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