I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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