White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
