I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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