Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
