I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
