does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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