K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
