we have pet lesbian snakes
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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