I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I could make wine with my vomit
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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