It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
