So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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