I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Randomize
