She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
