My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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