I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
