i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
