Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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