I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
