After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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