Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
