Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
