after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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