I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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