You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
