so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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