I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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