I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
