you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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