I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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