I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
