I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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