I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I am one with the molecules
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
