i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
