I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
