she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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