The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
