woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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