so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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