her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
