i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
