I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
