please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
