I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
